One of the least glamorous parts of being a mom is during the times your kids are sick. I have always been a germaphobe so this has been, hands down, the hardest part of motherhood for me.

For twelve of the first fourteen days of May, my oldest was down and out with some sort of awful virus. It started with a high fever that lasted through an entire weekend, then moved into bronchitis which landed us back at the doctor for a breathing treatment, and finally resulted in multiple nights of him throwing up several times. Smack dab in the middle of all of his stuff, my little one ate something that didn’t agree with her one night and the next morning threw up in my bed twice. (Yes, I am one of those moms who doesn’t see co-sleeping as something to battle….at least until moments like these!)

Everyone is well now and things finally went back to normal as of the 15th of May. But, this long window of sick really opened my eyes to the fact that I am extremely THANKFUL and BLESSED.

1. I am so THANKFUL and BLESSED to have two children that are healthy the majority of the time. I literally wrote this in the gratitude section of my journal on multiple days during this time to remind myself that this was just temporary. Then, I would pray for all the children, moms and dads that do have sick kiddos. These thoughts eventually led me to look up how many children are chronically ill in the United States and I was floored! Are you ready for this number?!?! It is 27%, approximately 1 in 4, of our children in the United States is living with a chronic illness that impacts their daily lives (focusforhealth.org). I went on to read that this is up from 12.8% in 1994 (focusforhealth.org). I am at a loss here because I really had no idea. Sure, I know a few people who have children with chronic illness but I didn’t realize that it was 1 in 4 of the children in this country. Mind officially blown!
2. I am so THANKFUL and BLESSED for the help of neighbors. Majority of the time I am the only parent during the week because my husband travels for work. While this is our normal, when anything out of the normal like sickness arrives, it throws a major wrench in things. It is so wonderful knowing that the street I live on has families that are willing to step in and help me if I need it. This has been a major stretch for me because as I am sure most of you other moms out there, asking for help is not something that comes easy. However, this stretch of things showed me that when you need help you have to get over yourself and just ask. People are willing and generally happy to help out but they just need you to ask. So, now I know…just ask.
3. I am so THANKFUL and BLESSED that in this season of my life I have time flexibility. I might be working to build my coaching business but I am working on my own terms. The reality is that my son only went to school 2 1/2 days the first two weeks of May. If I was still working in the school district, these two weeks would have been even more stressful because missing even one day during the school year is HUGE. Not to mention educators don’t get many days off during the year and the number of days I would have missed would have maxed out my days and I would have been docked pay.

Along with these wonderful things, I also learned some things about myself that aren’t as easy to admit but might help some other mommas out there.

In the last few months, I have really been focused back on self-care. I had finally found a routine that was working for me and I was sticking to it no matter what. I didn’t miss a day and I was so dang proud of myself. Because, like I am sure many of you can relate, since becoming a mother the whole self-care thing has had its ups and downs. Sometimes I am knocking it out of the park and other times I don’t do a thing. Well, for the first nine days I was sticking to my routine but those last three days I was plain exhausted. I was feeling defeated and just ready for the sickness to be gone. I totally let my routine go. I chose instead to stay in my own bed or on the couch unless my son needing something. I watched pointless, and I mean pointless, t.v. I hate crap food. And on the final day, I barely turned on any lights in my house. I did what was necessary to take care of the kids but that was it.

On that final day, I got my wake up call because one of my oldest, and worst, coping mechanisms reared its ugly head. You see, I am a binge eater when the going gets tough, when I am sad, when I feel lonely, when I am stressed, when I feel like I am not doing enough, when I am depressed…dang it you name it! This was a habit I picked up early in my life from night time snacking with my mom as a kid after dinner but before bed. It is a habit that flourished in college. I got control of it for a few years until MOTHERHOOD! And honestly, even in the first few years of motherhood I had a handle on it. It wasn’t until our big move almost five years ago that this coping mechanism of mine came in like a wrecking ball. I’ve read umpteen books on the matter and have received coaching around it. I was feeling back in control over it because it had been several months since my last episode and then BAM! it was back and with a vengeance. This is probably one of the hardest things I have ever written in a public forum. It is something that I have carried a lot of guilt over for years. It is something that I have kept hidden from everyone except from my husband and nearest and dearest girlfriends. This time when it started, I knew it was going down and yet, I couldn’t stop myself. It was spiral I couldn’t work my way out of it which is a scary place to be. The next morning when I awoke, I did my usual ‘torture treatment’ that has always followed my binges. I got on the scale and I went through the trash so I could tally up all the calories I had consumed. You know…so I could then beat myself up all day long for what I had done the night before. INSANE!!

But, then something clicked for me that hasn’t ever clicked in the past. I realized that I actually knew I was going down the rabbit hole this time right as it started to happen. And while I couldn’t stop it, I could identify exactly what led to this binge. You see after such a long sickness, I was feeling stressed, depressed, lonely, and like it was never ending.

Dramatic?

Maybe, but that is how I was feeling. My husband and I had planned date nights both weekends that our little man was sick and didn’t get to go out. For me, these nights out are crucial to my mental health. Without them, I go stir crazy and I start to resent the fact that my husband travels for work and has regular adult conversations. I start to feel like my life’s soul purpose is that of a mother and I lose sight of me.

So this time after my ‘torture treatment’, I gave myself GRACE. I put on my workout clothes and got out for my fasted cardio. When I got home, I journaled. And then, I reached out to my husband and a couple of girlfriends and shared what I had done. I wasn’t vague this time either. I laid out the UGLY truth of what a binge looks like for me. It was scary to be so vulnerable and honest but dang if it was liberating as well.

For the first time, instead of shaming and punishing myself following a binge, I owned it to myself, to my husband and to a few of the key girlfriends in my life. It feels like a major turning point for me! I am not saying that binging won’t ever happen again but I actually feel like I am on the road to recovery when it comes to no longer letting this be a coping strategy in my life.